An Emo Day For Eragon
by Startled Spider
Summary: The characters of Eragon try to cope with their day to day lives in the crazy land of Alagaesia.
1. Of cats and scrying

**An Emo Day for Eragon! **(updated)

Far back in the distant past there reigned a group of drunk mentally disabled old men who rode Dragons. But a mighty peril fell across the world, named Craxnor the Demon Bat From Hell. So, after sobering up the Dragon Riders burnt down every forest in Alagaesia. Somehow, this insane plan worked and Craxnor starved to death. There was much rejoicing.

Unfortunately, many millenia later some crazy guy with an anger management problem killed all of the Riders. So now it lies to a teenager who believes himself to be an Emo to follow in the mighty Dragon Riders footsteps and return order to the land, as well as overcome his angst.

His name is Eragon,

This is his story.

* * *

Galbatorix was lounging in his throne in a very evil manner, sipping on a martini. Suddenly the doors to his palace burst open, startling Galbatorix and making him spill his martini in his beard.

It was Murtagh, running across the hall waving his arms and screaming. He ran to the foot of Galbatorix's throne, panting. Murtagh frowned at the little umbrella lodged in Galbatorix's beard.

Galbatorix glowered at him, "What is it, Murtagh?"

"Sire... Pickles is loose!"

A look of absolute terror took over the King's face. He leaped to his feet, brandishing a broom in the air, "OH MY GOD, WHERE IS HE?!"

A small pink cat suddenly leaped from outside onto the sill of an open window, and began to contentedly lick its paw.

Tears of fear flowed openly down Galbatorix's face, "PICKLES, DON'T DO THIS. PLEASE! I CAN GIVE YOU GOLD!"

The cat gave Galbatorix a curious look, then resumed its grooming.

Galbatorix raised a shaking hand and pointed his finger at the cat, "Shruikan, attack it!"

The gigantic black dragon hesitated for a moment, then threw itself across the hall at the cat. There followed five terrible minutes of Shruikan stomping around and breathing fire everywhere. Finally, the dragon relented. Pickles was no where to be seen.

Murtagh slowly crept out of his hiding place underneath the throne. He looked slowly around at the crumbling ruins of the Palace, "Pickles managed to escape. But he'll be back."

"Damn that troublesome cat," Galbatorix muttered "It shall not have any of my cat biscuits. They're mine!"

Murtagh dusted himself off, "Father, perhaps this would be a good time to check up on what Eragon is doing."

"Did you just call me Father?"

"You are, aren't you?"

"No, Morzan is! But do you want to know some really good dirt on Eragon?"

"No, wait! Let me guess..." Murtagh thought for a moment, "Oh! He's my brother."

Galbatorix looked shocked, "How'd you know?"

"I read the second book, dude."

Before the King could respond Durza strolled into the Palace, his black cloak billowing about him as he edged around a pile of rubble that was once a wall.

"Durza, what's up with the stupid looking cloak?" Galbatorix asked, "You look like a cross-dresser."

Durza gave a curt bow and said tersely, "I'm not so sure you are in position to question fashion, sire. You appear to have a little umbrella lodged in your beard."

The King gave a start and ripped the umbrella out of his beard, "Oh, that's from my martini! My beard is all ruffled now. It is in need of a trimming!"Galbatorix beckoned to a side door and called, "Salvador, I am in need of your services!"

There was a pause, then a little old Spanish woman with a limp began to slowly hobble toward the throne. Durza stared at her in confusion, "Who is this?"

"My barber!" Galbatorix exclaimed. He addressed the old woman, "My beard is in need of some grooming."

Salavador gave the King a blank look, "Si?"

The King sighed and pointed at his beard, "Beardo el-cutto, si?"

"Oh, bueno! Si signor." The old woman set to work on the King's beard with clippers and a razor.

Durza gave a groan, "Perhaps it is time we perv- I mean stalk, I mean uh... _Watch _Eragon."

"Excellent idea, Druza. We shall use my scrying glass!" The King procured from a his pocket a little mirror, which he fumbled with and then dropped on the floor.

Galbatorix looked at for a moment, then asked "Mirror mirror on the floor, who is the most handsome of them all?"

"Definitely not you, fatso." The mirror answered

"Uhm, we're looking for Eragon your Majesty," Durza told the King

"Fine! Mirror mirror on the floor, where is Eragon?"

"BREAK ME FATSO!" The mirror shouted

"Ok!" and the King stomped on the mirror, shattering it.

Durza wiped a hand across his face in exasperation, "How about we just look at Eragon through his window?"

"Great idea!"

And the three set off for the Varden Camp.


	2. Approaching doom

**Chapter 2**

Eragon was in his tent in the Varden camp, sitting on a beanbag and listening to his Emo music. (_He didn't use magic to play music. He had a CD player. Don't question it._)

Arya pushed the flaps of the tent aside and walked in. She gave Eragon a contemptuous look, "Eragon, you idiot. Classical opera isn't Emo music."

Eragon gave Arya a tear filled look, "Arya, I love yooou!"

Outside of the tent Durza and Galbatorix crouched with their ears pressed against the fabric of the tent, listening in.

Durza looked over at Galbatorix, "Wow, Eragon is all over Arya. Its kind of sad."

Galbatorix stifled a giggle, the sound of which Eragon heard.

"Arya, can you hear voices?!" Eragon squealed

Arya shook her head, "Oh God, he's hearing voices. That's it, into your box," She said, bustling Eragon into a cardboard box

Saphira poked her head in through the tent flap _Of all the riders I get stuck with, I get stuck with the one that has social problems_, the dragon huffed.

* * *

Outside of the Varden camp a terrible battle raged between the Empire's soldiers and the rebels.

The tide of the battle was turning in the rebels favour, as the Empire's soldiers were only armed with pens and pencils. This was because Galbatorix had heard somewhere 'The pen is mightier than the sword' and had misinterpreted it.

Murtagh was riding atop his red dragon Thorn, swooping low above the Varden and breathing fire.

Some of the soldiers noticed Murtagh pointing south, then heard him shouting over the din of battle, "PICKLES IS COMING!"

And all of the Empire's forces ran away.

* * *

That night, the leaders of the Varden held a feast in Nasuada's command tent to celebrate their victory.

As the night wore on, everyone became more and more drunk on mead. Eventually Orik leaped on top of the table and began to belly dance, which made Eragon want to kill him self more than usual as he watched the dwarves hairy belly jiggle and bounce.

Orik's performance was abruptly interrupted when Galbatorix burst in through the door. He demanded where the Varden had hidden his tutu and then slipped on a banana peel, which somewhat ruined his dramatic entrance.

Galbatorix then saw Orik's hairy stomach, and promptly fled.

At that moment Roran and all of the villagers made their sudden entrance, drinking bottles of vinegar as though it were mead.

"What's up party people!" Roran cried

As everyone danced and enjoyed themselves, Orrin sat hunched in a corner looking at them all with disgust.

"They do not know that their doom approaches," he muttered

"Oh, shut up you miserable old bastard!" Nasuada cried as she danced past.

As the Varden partied, Galbatorix and co. fled back to Uru'baen to come up with a new plan.

**Note from the author:** **  
**I turned into a purple singing Dinosaur the other day, and began to educate children about stuff. It was later found out that I wasn't actually a real Dinosaur, and was just in a suit. I was sued for fraud and now I can't be a Dinosaur anymore.

...Just thought you all should know. 3


	3. Great Minds, Great Plans

**Chapter 3**

Galbatorix, Durza and Murtagh were sitting around a table in the palace's torch lit conference room. They had been there for the past three hours, trying to come up with a plan. A pizza box with a half eaten pizza in it lay open in the middle of the table.

The group sat silent, thinking. Galbatorix leaned across the table and grabbed himself a slice of pizza. He lifted it to his mouth and took a big bite, melted cheese dripping into his beard. He didn't seem to notice.

"This pizza's cold," The King whined, "Durza, can we order a new one?"

"No. If you eat too much cheese you'll have bad dreams. And I am _not _going to be cleaning your sheets again when you wet the bed."

Murtagh snapped his fingers, "I've got a plan!"

"Really, What is it?" Durza asked in excitement.

"Are you sure you want to hear? It's very cunning."

"Yes!" Durza and Galbatorix both cried

"Okay, here's what we do: We all put on birthday hats and go to the Varden camp. Then we give out invitations to the leaders of the Varden for Galbatorix's birthday party. Then they all go to the location we put on the cards, and we leap out and bash them over their heads with a brick!" Murtagh leaned back in his chair, looking triumphant.

Durza shook his head, "Something tells me the Varden wouldn't be inclined to go to the King's birthday party."

Galbatorix gasped, "That's a horrible thing to say! You're so mean to me all the time, Durza. I'm sure plenty of people would come to my party!"

"No, sire!" Durza exclaimed, "I just meant that the Varde-"

"Durza's right. Nobody ever comes to your parties, they're too lame. You just give everyone cups of apple juice and then behead peasants," Murtagh said, cutting Durza off, "Plus, you don't have any friends."

The King was slumped on the table, weeping.

"That's not what I meant!" Durza shouted, "You have plenty of friends, sire! I just mean that the Varden wouldn't uh..." Durza thought for a moment, "They wouldn't think they'd fit in very well because they're not uh... Not cool enough!"

Galbatorix lifted his head off the table and gave Durza a tear filled look, "Really?"

"Really."

"Do you pinky swear?"

Durza pinky swore. The King looked satisfied. Wiping the tears off his face with a cuff he said, "In that case, I have a plan."

Durza looked doubtful, "Yes...?"

"We get our soldiers to put on dog costumes. We then set up a puppy-adoption shelter right near the Varden camp. Over the next few weeks the Varden troops adopt all of our soldiers, thinking they're actual dogs. Once our disguised troops have infiltrated the camp, they take off their costumes in the dead of night and kill everyone!"

Durza looked ready to throttle the King but before he could two hooded figures burst into the room. The taller one of them had a CD player balanced on his shoulder that was blasting out I'm Bringing Sexy Back.

The two figures strutted into the torchlight, and it was revealed that they were the two Ra'zac. The taller one reached up and switched off his CD player, and the other one stepped forward and chittered,"Sires, we have a cunning plan!"

Durza clapped his hands, "Yes, the Ra'zac will have a good plan! Because _they_ are cunning," He looked expectantly at the shorter Ra'zac.

"Okay, here's what we do: We hold a wine tasting contest, and then invite all of the Varden's leaders to it. When they get there we open up secret hatches in the ceiling that lets lots of water into the room, flooding the room and drowning the Varden."

Durza gave them a look of exasperation, "Why not just poison their glasses of wine?"

The taller Ra'zac shook its head, "Wouldn't work. Do you really think the Varden would be dumb enough to drink any wine we give them?"

"Would they really be dumb enough to go to the contest in the first place?" Durza asked.

The shorter Ra'zac snapped its beak in frustration, "Fine! How about this: We all put on birthday hats and go to the Varden camp. Then we give out invitations to the leaders of the Varde-"

The Ra'zac was interrupted by Durza banging his fist against the table and storming out of the room. Galbatorix looked startled for a moment and then shrugged, "Meeting adjourned. Let's order some more pizza!"

Later that night Durza was sitting in front of a roaring fire. He stared into the twisting flames, trying to think of how the Varden could be defeated. From somewhere upstairs he heard a high pitched scream, the sound of the King having a nightmare.

The Shade sighed. Defeating the Varden was going to be harder than he originally thought.

**Note from the author:**

A few years ago I was walking to the shops and Animal Control mistook me for a dog and picked me up, then took me to a Dog Shelter. After a few years there, I was finally adopted a couple of weeks ago. Now I get up in the middle of the night when my owners are asleep and stealthily use their computer to type up and upload these stories.

...Just thought you all should know.


	4. Karaoke night

**Chapter 4**

The leaders of the Varden had assembled around a table in Nasuada's command tent for a conference. The debating about what to do next had grown heated, and everyone was red in the face from shouting.

Orrin was waving his arms around and screaming at Nasuada, "You are leading to the Varden to their deaths!" He gazed around at everybody, "How could any of you possibly think that she is fit to lead us?"

The crowd mumbled amongst themselves. Nasuada shook her head, "You're wrong, Orrin. It does not matter who leads the Varden, so long as we have Eragon and Saphira to aid us!"

Orrin looked genuinely surprised. He looked across the room in doubt at Eragon, who was ignoring the proceedings. The Rider was sat in a corner with his headphones in, bobbing his head to the beat. Orrin looked back at Nasuada, "_Really?_"

Nasuada shuffled her feet, "Well, we still have Saphira!"

Brom stepped forward and gave a nervous cough, "Well, actually... Saphira won't be much help to us."

"Why not?" Nasuada asked

Brom looked embarrassed, "She uh... She's become somewhat of an alcoholic, so that she can cope with having such a useless Rider. She's probably off somewhere blind drunk on dwarf mead,"

Arya stared in confusion at Brom, "I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be dead."

Brom just shrugged, "Meah, whatever. Durza is still alive, yet he was killed before the Varden left Surda. I can do as I please."

"Enough!" Orrin roared slamming his fist against the table, "This is something we must sort out once and for all! _What_ book are all these events set in?!"

Nasuada leaped to her feet, "Orrin! We all agreed never to break the fourth wall!" She shook her head in disbelief, "How could you betray us like this?"

Arya gazed across the table at Orrin and said, "I don't think what book this is all set in particularly matters any more. We already abandoned any coherent link with the original text when Orik admitted to being homosexual, even though he has a wife in the real books."

Orik looked up from painting his nails, "I'm sorry, what? I'm not gay!"

The Varden broke out into raucous laughter. Wiping a tear of mirth from his eye Brom said, "Oh, come on Orik! You don't need to tell us for us to know, it's so obvious."

Before Orik could engineer a retort he was interrupted by a noise at the window. Galbatorix clambered in through it and fell in a heap on the floor. Looking up from the ground he said, "Orik isn't gay. We all know the only homosexual thing in Alagaesia is Pickles."

Arya looked down at the evil King, "Pickles can't be gay, he's just a cat. Cats don't have a sexuality."

"Listen here you pointy eared tree hugger, Pickles is no ordinary cat! He is completely evil and also flamboyantly gay." Galbatorix looked around nervously and whispered, "But don't tell him I said so!"

Nasuada sighed, "What are you doing here, Galbatorix?"

Galbatorix looked around in confusion, "This is my Yoga class, isn't it?"

"No... This is the Varden camp."

"Oh," The King slowly stood to his feet and looked around the tent at the scowling faces of the rebels around him, "I should probably head off," And The King sprinted out the door back to Uru'baen.

Nasuada shook her head, "We need to sort out the camps defen-"

She was interrupted by a man holding a surfing board bursting into the tent and shouting, "Hey bro's, surfs up!"

"Totally bodacious!" Brom cried in joy, and all the varden leaders hurried out of the tent to the beach.

* * *

Back in the castle of Uru'baen, it was the most sacred and hallowed event of the entire year.

It was Karaoke night.

The inhabitants of the city knew well of this particularly event, and had all fled to the temporary camps per-emptively set up outside the city walls. It was said that in the past there were those who did not get out fast enough,were forced to watch the performances. There are of course no survivors to verify these tales.

Legend has it that in the early days of the infamous Karaoke night some civilians were randomly selected and forced to attend, and upon arrival were given a challenge: They had to spell out the lyrics of the songs with letter-spaghetti, and if they did not spell the songs out fast enough to keep up with the music then they were executed. Fortunately the advent of T.V screens meant that the lyrics could be displayed digitally and made the draconian practice obsolete.

Here's what was happening on this particular Karaoke night:

"My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!" Murtagh wailed from atop the pink stage in the middle of the hall.

One of the Ra'zac that was in the audience leaned across to Durza and whispered, "He's actually quite good. And the stage they set up is very well done, you wouldn't even be able to tell it was only to be around for one night of the year."

Durza shook his head, "The pink stage is a permanent feature of the hall. It seems to appeal to the King."

"I could teach you, but I'd have to charge!" Murtagh continued

The quivering audience sat and listened to Murtagh's high pitched wails and screeches as he sung the tale of the fair maiden who possessed metaphorical beverages that attracted all of the local Knights unto her presence.

It is imperative to the narrative to now note that in between chapters Galbatorix was drugged by a Varden assassin with a special herb that had put him into a deep coma, and he now slumbered on a marble pedestal off to the side of the pink and frilly stage.

The Varden had much rejoiced at this success, but an unfortunate quirk of fate was about to undo all of their hard work. This manifested itself in the particularly dreadful way that Murtagh sung - so terrible was he that he sounded something akin to the sound of a cat being put in a sack filled with tambourines and thrown down a hill.

The King's years of fearing terrible cat Pickles had caused him to be immediately terrified by the sound of cats, and so it was that he was wrenched out of his coma back into wakefulness by the tormented-cat sound of Murtagh's wailing.

"AURAGHAGGGGGG!" cried the King in terror as he leaped from the marble pedestal and curled up into a ball on the floor.

"The King has awoken!" Cried Durza in joy.

This announcement was followed by a distant cry of, 'oh nooooo' from the villagers in the various camps outside Uru'baen.

Galbatorix jumped onto the stage and immediately began to sing even worse than Murtagh.

And somewhere, deep down in the bowels of the Earth a terrible evil was awakening...

It blinked wearily and had a big stretch, vaguely wondering why the sound of someone playing an out of tune ukulele with the teeth of a screeching cat had interrupted its sleep.

For it was Pickles. And now Galbatorix's 'singing' had awoken it...

Pickles was not amused.

**AN: I apologise this one took so much longer than the others to come out. I've been hospitalized because I have a sever case of procrastination. I'll make it up to you with a fun fact about myself: I am actually a very rare species of endangered worm, and have been recently joining protest groups to help prevent my own extinction. I feel it is necessary to tell you to not listen to all the protestors about saving us. I've met the other members of my species, and we're all a bunch of buggering worm bastards who're not worth saving. Toodles!**


End file.
